I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
