I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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