That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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