Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
