I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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