malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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