Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
