the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
