mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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