I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
