Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
