i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
