remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
