I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
