I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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