woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
