They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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