I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
