And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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