Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
