I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
