she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
