My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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