1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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