I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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