sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
