Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
