I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Randomize
