I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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