cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
