There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
