I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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