when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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