life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
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