dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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