I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
