Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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