I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We were destined to go to rehab together
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
And my parents said I crawled through the house
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
