You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
