I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
