you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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