considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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