I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
