I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
