did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
