My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
