Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
