My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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