I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Let's paint friendship bongs
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
