piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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