I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Even my vagina gasped.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
