i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
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