If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
