I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
