my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
